INDIANAPOLIS - If you're headed here for Sunday's big game, take a tip from me: Don't waste time sightseeing.
Being a tourist in Hoosier Country is about as exciting as, well, watching corn grow.
Oh, sure, Indianapolis has horse-drawn carriages just like the ones in Central Park, but get a load of the "unique cultural landmarks" the drivers promise to show you.
"Look, there is the first Starbucks," my hack, Ernesto, said with a laugh.
I should have had him stop for some java, just so I could stay awake for the rest of the tour.
There was the 284-foot Indian and Soldier monument that marks the middle of the downtown, built in 1902 to honor soldiers and sailors who served in the Civil and Spanish-American wars.
It wasn't the the Statue of Liberty, but at least it's better than the countless chain restaurants like Hooters that pass for attractions around here.
The only reminder of New York came at the end of the 25-minute ride when the driver mugged me for $50.
What a ripoff - but not as big a scam as Indianapolis' tallest building, about as undersized as the Colts' defensive front.
Skip a trip to the top floor of the 48-story Chase Tower. Instead of an observation deck like the one on our majestic 102-story Empire State Building, their squat "skyscraper" has a law office. A law office!
I didn't fare much better at the museums.
The Museum of Art had European impressionist paintings, but it looks like a well-organized tag sale compared with the Met.
The Indianapolis Motor Speedway Hall of Fame Museum is a treat for those who love race cars, trophies and tracks. Yeah, me neither.
Still, any city with its own Super Hero Museum can't be all bad, right? Wrong.
After Googling for directions, I discovered that the only museum in the world with a replica Batmobile closed a year ago.
So I moved on to the big recreational activity in town - getting lost in cornfields. No joke.
Surprise! - even the 15-acre corn maze at nearby Lark Ranch was closed until September. It has to do with something locals call a growing season.
Still, it wasn't a complete loss. There was one landmark worth seeing.
The Slippery Noodle Inn on Meridian St. has been playing live blues since 1850. The life-size statues of Jake and Elwood Blues of "Blues Brothers" fame are worth the price of admission.
The one sight I really came to see is still on my list. I'll have to wait until Sunday to cross off Lucas Oil Stadium - and the Colts.
In the meantime, who do I speak with to find out about cow tipping?
mlysiak@nydailynews.com
© 2012
